I regularly wonder whether I'm cut out to be a VISTA. Usually this occurs around 8:00 a.m. on a weekday, when I'm getting ready to commute to one of my sites. Barely awake, blurry-eyed and stumbling to the stove, or toilet, or maybe the shower, if I can get the synapses to fire I think to myself, "I feel awful. This isn't how VISTAs are supposed to feel in the morning. VISTAs start their day feeling refreshed and confident, springing out of bed fully groomed, nourished, and eager to manhandle whatever thankless frustration their project demands, delaying the day's progress only long enough to throw on their cape and tights and kiss the framed picture of Grandma atop the dresser before darting out the door," or some variation thereof.
By the grace of Big Caffeine, morning despondency is temporary. After two or three coffees I feel much better. I think to myself, "Man, I feel great. Much better than earlier. I feel much more like a VISTA. Heck, I feel better than a VISTA. I can do just about anything I want. I should climb a mountain today. Maybe I'll run a marathon this week. How many miles are in a marathon? Twenty-Six? I'll be twenty-six soon. It's a few years down the line, but you know how time sneaks up on you. One day you're barely able to walk, sitting in your Batman jammies playing peacefully with your Megabloks, then BOOM you're twenty-three, out of college and taking responsibility for things that matter. Twenty-three...I'll be old before too long. Better get that marathon done before then..."
Rarely does the same rush last more than a few hours, though, that's what I've learned. By 12:30 or so I'm thinking, "Man I'm hungry. I need to eat some lunch. Why, though? Everyone knows VISTAs don't break for lunch. VISTAs don't eat, they just keep finding differences to make and capacities to build. Why can't I pull this off? What is wrong with me???"
The shame of being inappropriately hungry at lunch time is only the beginning, however - it gets worse. For only after gorging myself on a delicious and sizable meal of sandwich and soup do I realize I've fallen for a trap - I'm really, REALLY sleepy now. The caffeine has worn off and all my blood is rushing away from my brain and toward my stomach, leaving me feeling like a zombie in VISTA clothing. "I thought I was done with this sleepiness after that coffee this morning. This isn't supposed to happen to VISTAs. It's not fair! It's not fair!!!! Why, Big Caffeine, why?"
Only by concentrated force of will am I able to make myself continue with the activities necessary to my project. And only by continuing with the activities necessary to my project do I feel any better. Making the small, slow steps of progress necessary to my project- maybe that means locking down a volunteer reader, or finishing part of a grant proposal, or a blog - I realize a very important thing. I realize that even a slow, tired, regular-person-in-a-VISTA-suit like me can fulfill the duties normally reserved for a full-blown VISTA superperson. Sure it takes a whole lot of effort (and coffee), but, by God, I can do it. And what's more, fulfilling my goals as a VISTA helps others as well, which feels really, really good. With this new, more optimistic outlook I receive the productive burst of energy I never thought would come. The once-small, hindered voice in my head is now roaring, "I AM VISTA!!! I AM VISTA!!!! I AM VISTA!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR......"
I go home, I sleep, and in the morning the cycle begins again. It seems a little depressing to have to wake to the same sleepy uncertainty every day, but that's also part of the fun. Finally hitting your stride after feeling unsure feels great - like Christmas - and if you ask me, it keeps you human. Besides, if you were absolutely confident in everything you do from beginning to end, everyone else would hate you.
The End.
xoxoxo,
Chase Hill
By the grace of Big Caffeine, morning despondency is temporary. After two or three coffees I feel much better. I think to myself, "Man, I feel great. Much better than earlier. I feel much more like a VISTA. Heck, I feel better than a VISTA. I can do just about anything I want. I should climb a mountain today. Maybe I'll run a marathon this week. How many miles are in a marathon? Twenty-Six? I'll be twenty-six soon. It's a few years down the line, but you know how time sneaks up on you. One day you're barely able to walk, sitting in your Batman jammies playing peacefully with your Megabloks, then BOOM you're twenty-three, out of college and taking responsibility for things that matter. Twenty-three...I'll be old before too long. Better get that marathon done before then..."
Rarely does the same rush last more than a few hours, though, that's what I've learned. By 12:30 or so I'm thinking, "Man I'm hungry. I need to eat some lunch. Why, though? Everyone knows VISTAs don't break for lunch. VISTAs don't eat, they just keep finding differences to make and capacities to build. Why can't I pull this off? What is wrong with me???"
The shame of being inappropriately hungry at lunch time is only the beginning, however - it gets worse. For only after gorging myself on a delicious and sizable meal of sandwich and soup do I realize I've fallen for a trap - I'm really, REALLY sleepy now. The caffeine has worn off and all my blood is rushing away from my brain and toward my stomach, leaving me feeling like a zombie in VISTA clothing. "I thought I was done with this sleepiness after that coffee this morning. This isn't supposed to happen to VISTAs. It's not fair! It's not fair!!!! Why, Big Caffeine, why?"
Only by concentrated force of will am I able to make myself continue with the activities necessary to my project. And only by continuing with the activities necessary to my project do I feel any better. Making the small, slow steps of progress necessary to my project- maybe that means locking down a volunteer reader, or finishing part of a grant proposal, or a blog - I realize a very important thing. I realize that even a slow, tired, regular-person-in-a-VISTA-suit like me can fulfill the duties normally reserved for a full-blown VISTA superperson. Sure it takes a whole lot of effort (and coffee), but, by God, I can do it. And what's more, fulfilling my goals as a VISTA helps others as well, which feels really, really good. With this new, more optimistic outlook I receive the productive burst of energy I never thought would come. The once-small, hindered voice in my head is now roaring, "I AM VISTA!!! I AM VISTA!!!! I AM VISTA!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR......"
I go home, I sleep, and in the morning the cycle begins again. It seems a little depressing to have to wake to the same sleepy uncertainty every day, but that's also part of the fun. Finally hitting your stride after feeling unsure feels great - like Christmas - and if you ask me, it keeps you human. Besides, if you were absolutely confident in everything you do from beginning to end, everyone else would hate you.
The End.
xoxoxo,
Chase Hill
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