I'm eight months into my VISTA service, and to be honest, I'm hitting a wall. Hard.
It's getting more and more difficult for me to remember why I even signed up for VISTA in the first place. I thought I would be "working to end poverty"; instead, I set up volunteer opportunities for people who mostly make way more money than me. So I'm living at poverty level because...? I guess our volunteers have some projects with organizations that work on issues of poverty, but I'm mostly removed from that, other than getting emails and occasionally going on projects.
So I need some motivation. Seriously. Right now I'm just trying to finish so I can put it on my resume and get my Ed award, but I wonder what I'll feel when I look back on this year. I already regret not having taken a more direct service Americorps job where I felt like I was actually doing something. I've definitely learned that sitting in front of a computer all day is not for me, not even if it's for a good cause. Exchanging emails in a windowless office is not a particularly fufilling occupation.
These are issues I've struggled with my entire term, but now I feel more them even more strongly because it seems too far along in my term of service to stop now.
Thoughts? Ideas? Inspirational quotes? Why are you a VISTA? Why are you still a VISTA? I don't mean to sound like a whinypants, really. I could just use some words of wisdom right now. At least it's almost winter break...
Kym, Seattle Works
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Kym-train,
ReplyDeleteRight? I think these are important questions to ask. Why am I doing this? Why am I here? Why can’t I make rent?
I’m doing this because of what I get to learn—and I’m learning that my approach, ethic, and intention are all pretty different from my site’s. I agree with what they say, not how they do. Some of the project components, I don’t participate in- I tried it, and it goes against my ethic, and now I don’t do it anymore. But things I haven’t gotten to try yet- I try, and it’s super fun (unless it isn’t).
When I started my direct service I wanted to be a teach- 5 minutes in that elementary school and I knew I never wanted to be in a classroom again- but I still had two epic years of service where I got to learn about myself and what I cared about and what approaches worked for me.
I can’t think of a store where I can buy this kind of insight- a year’s worth of experience and self-discovery. I hope this doesn’t sound narcish. I don’t really do quotes, but Hemingway wrote in Farewell to Arms: The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break, it kills.
I let VISTA break me. I let it be hard because it is hard.
I want to go home crying and frustrated and ready to scream- and one day when I grow up and I have my own mid-management non-profit job, I’m going to be really great at it- because I’m already going to know who I am, what I want, and how to work with people in ways that are collaborative and empowering- because that’s what’s important to me.
I don’t want easy- if it’s too easy, I’m not trying hard enough.
Personally, I think its the people who run the VISTA program that have really lost it. I imagine part of what you feel is that you were told you were going to make a difference. Probably even told you work was all about fighting poverty. But it really feels like in truth, that VISTA is just taking advantage of idealistic people. Labor needs to be done, money needs to be made--look a new age indentured servant. I replied to someone earlier this month expressing similar interest to your own.
ReplyDeleteAs for words of encouragement--you see things are going wrong and you've narrowed your options to 1) riding it out 2) probably leaving early. May I present a 3rd option? VISTA and all their higher ups talk about the stuff we are not suppose to do and how it violates our contract. Agencies have a contract with them too. I imagine one of the reasons you are not happy is because you are not doing what you were orginally told you would--which means your agency is taking advantage of you and VISTA, thus violating its contract (Not that I think VISTA or the CNCS care as long as they get the money from your organization). What you could do as a 3rd option is to try and change one little part of the terrible circle. For without any drops of water, a waterfall would not exist. After all, the next VISTA that comes after you is going to be used exactly the same way.
I want to start by saying that you are not alone, evidenced by the other two people who have responded. I was going to write to you last week and say: "Fight the system. This isn’t about VISTA being meaningless but your job being made to feel meaningless by people who have no idea how to make it worthwhile for you or their program. It's never too late and if you take nothing more away than a better sense of self advocacy than it’s worth hanging in and letting your voice be heard." But today I feel less resolute. I’m four months in and find the only reason for staying is a commitment I feel to my supervisor, not the agency or our program. My supervisor is trying to make this a worthwhile experience for me despite an overwhelming feeling that… to quote a wise man “VISTA is just taking advantage of idealistic people.” Although I don’t believe that is a truly fair statement since I am aware of programs that are utilizing VISTAs in a meaningful way. I agree there just isn’t enough oversight and when there is money exchanging hands and no one stands up to claim wrong doing then why do we expect anything will change. But I don’t believe that no one has stood-up either… so I find myself in a similar quandary. I’ve said my piece. We (my fellow VISTA and I) organized a meeting with all our site supervisors and laid it out last week and behold… no change. So do I stay and try to forge a better experience for those who follow or do I decide I had good intentions but not the proper avenue to see them through?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had inspirational words of wisdom but the best I feel I can offer is camaraderie and one last rather disturbing perspective… I emailed my best friend today to lay these same questions out to her. She is a former VISTA and a current VISTA site supervisor, so of course I expected her to rah-rah me back into place and inspire steadfastness. Instead her reply was simply “start applying for other jobs, I will call you tonight…”’
I am here if you ever want to talk! projectserviceleadership@gmail.com, in case you don't have my number. Take care of you.
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